the sound of settling

The End is Near

2009-04-23T13:32:00.002-05:00

It's official: I defend my thesis one week from tomorrow at 1:00 pm. I'll then have to make final revisions, get it printed, pay for the binding, and get it over to the graduate school office by Monday afternoon. After that, I'M FREAKING DONE. This week is going to be hell, by I couldn't care less. I'm going to get to walk at graduation AND I won't have this hanging over my head during the Seattle trip in May. After May 4, all I have to worry about is giving a final exam to my General Psychology class and finishing up a profile for my Personality Assessment class... very small tasks in comparison to collecting data for and writing a thesis in about 3 weeks worth of time. I can't wait to be done with Arkansas Tech University.

I think the night after my defense, I'm going to have a few (and by a few, I mean QUITE a few) drinks, smoke me a couple of cloves, and listen to some really loud music. Then, I'll just chill and wait for graduation to get here. After May 16, all I have to worry about is packing for the move, spending time with friends and family, and having a really great time enjoying this experience and process of moving. Words can't express how excited I am that in two months, I'll be a resident of Seattle, WA. I feel like I'm finally getting to do what I want to do with my life after 7 years of compromises and doing the responsible things I'm supposed to do, I'm actually getting to reap the rewards. I know it's going to be a challenge, but it's one I take on happily.

28 days until the house hunting trip to Seattle... 64 days until the move.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, back to writing a thesis. I have a ton of data that needs my attention.

Peace.

Life's Simple Pleasures: AMAZING Live Performances by OUTSTANDING Musicians

2009-04-14T21:51:00.001-05:00

So I went to Memphis on Saturday, where I had the wonderful pleasure of hearing Ra Ra Riot and Death Cab for Cutie play at the Orpheum Theater. Ra Ra Riot's performance was more than I could have ever expected. They were absolutely spectacular and also kind enough to hang out at the merchandise stand to chat with their fans. REALLY cool group of folks. I got to meet four of their members and they all seemed like incredibly normal, laid back people who were just as thrilled to meet their fans as their fans were to meet them.

Death Cab for Cutie didn't let me down either. They never have... this was my third time to see them and this live performance was no less powerful than the previous two I've had the privilege of attending. All the passion and energy was still there. Chris Walla played so hard he broke a string and, unfortunately, hurt his hand. Jason McGerr seemed like he was in his own world as he drummed away like a mad man. Gibbard did his usual sort of back and forth swaying dance as he rocked out on his guitar. His performance of "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" was just as moving this time as it was in St. Louis in October. I love the sound of his voice with an acoustic guitar (as I've mentioned in previous posts... I just feel like his vocals were made to be combined with those softer acoustic sounds). Nick Harmer drives that band with his outstanding bass lines like a freaking machine. I love singling out those lines and focusing my attention on the way they move the music. So good. So good....

I'm counting down the days until the house hunting trip to Seattle. We leave on May 22 for a 10 day stay in that gorgeous city. Hopefully, by the time we come back to Arkansas, we will have a new address in Washington to move our belongings into when return at the end of June to stay for good. I'm also looking for jobs as I didn't get accepted to the University of Washington's Social Psychology Ph.D. program. I think my prospects are pretty decent. I'm hoping that I may be able to line up an interview or two on the May trip as well. Fingers crossed... but regardless of what happens, I couldn't be more excited about getting the hell out of Arkansas and back to the Northwest. I miss it so much I ache. I truly believe that is where I was meant to be.

I also purchased tickets this evening for two shows in Redmond, WA, the weekend of July 17. The Decemberists, Andrew Bird, and Blind Pilot are playing that Friday night and Death Cab for Cutie, the New Pornographers, and Ra Ra Riot are playing Saturday and Sunday. The Saturday show had already sold out, so I had to go with tickets for the Sunday performance. I can't believe my luck at having the opportunity to experience so much good music in a single weekend, though. I love the music of every one of those groups. I've been dying to see the Decemberists for a LONG time, but they never come anywhere near here. I can't wait to hear Colin Meloy sing live!

Tons of stuff I should be doing instead of blogging. Perhaps I should attend to some of that now. Here's to a productive week!

Peace.

Feeling Human...

2009-04-13T21:11:00.003-05:00

Even though I'm currently working on my master's degree in psychology, I find that music is the central and driving force in my life. I guess it's always been like that, though. At one point, I thought I wanted to play music always. I loved it like nothing else. But then it became a chore and wasn't fun anymore. When that happened, I knew I had to walk away from it. Playing an instrument should always be enjoyable on some level. Opening the case should never make you cringe or want to storm away in frustration. When it comes to that, it's gone too far.

While I stopped playing, I never stopped listening. In fact, I feel as though I developed those parts of my musical talents in place of my performance abilities. I began putting effort in to truly hearing music. All of the instruments. All of the voices. All of the movement. All of the change and variation. All of the diversity of sound and tonality and quality. All of the thought and emotion struggling to be conveyed. It's amazing what you can hear when you make these things the centerpieces of your listening experience. I can do it now without trying. I just close my eyes and it flows. I can almost see it. I've heard of people who can see sound and, particularly, music. I often envy those individuals.

Obviously, hearing plays the key role in experiencing music; however, I find it relatively easy to feel music as well. The pulse of the beat can be felt in the very pit of my stomach. Certain combinations of notes or the utterance of a certain combination of words may raise the hair on my arms or the back of my neck. I sometimes find myself struggling to breathe as I enjoy a live performance or fully immerse myself in a good album through a pair of high quality headphones. The smells and tastes I sense in the air at live shows are unique to such situations. I always drive home afterward, wondering how it is that I've come to have the scent of hundreds of different people I've never met upon me... some sort of collective aroma consisting of colognes and aftershaves and perfumes and clove cigarettes and marijuana and a dozen different kinds of beer and wine and other assorted alcohols. It's the smell of an evening shared between strangers that are somehow friends simultaneously. Drawn together from all over by a mutual love of a band and their music. I just wish that the sight of a band upon a stage as they perform, as I become excited by the movement of the individuals before me, as they rock and sway and pull forth pure art from their instruments... I wish that affected me as much as all of these other things. But I can close my eyes, leave the work to all of my other senses, and have the most enjoyable experiences of my life. People always ask that question "If you HAD to choose, would you rather go blind or deaf?" For me, it's never been any sort of contest.

Music Does It Again

2009-02-27T11:16:00.004-06:00

Composed on 2-25-2009:

Today was one of those days... one of those days where something that shouldn't have been THAT big of a deal turned into a catastrophe within my mind, bringing all of the other stresses and strains in my life that I had been keeping in check so nicely tumbling down upon me in one giant heap. I had to go to the doctor... the doctor had no answers, causing me great frustration where it really shouldn't have. But after leaving his office, I found myself sobbing on the phone to my mother... not about my specific health problem... but about things so far removed from this particular issue that I later had trouble figuring out how I got to them. I felt weak. I felt vulnerable. I felt like I was failing on every level. I still felt motivated but could find absolutely no meaning in anything I was attempting to accomplish. I felt sure to my core that I was on my way to disappointing every person that had ever known me. I felt guilty for hating this place so much, the place where I was born and raised and spent the wonderful years of my childhood, and for wanting desperately to get away. I felt like a bitch for being so willing to walk off and leave my family and friends that I love so dearly and that have contributed so much to making me the person that I am. I felt selfish. I felt like a bad daughter and sister because in approximately 4 months, I will be living almost 2,300 miles away from my mother and siblings. I felt heartless. I felt cold. I felt hopeless. I felt buried beneath the weight of my life. I felt lost. All at the same time. And it was simply too much to feel and process and make sense of. I wanted to lay down and quit.

I know it was absurd. I know it was unreasonable and that all of these feelings weren't grounded in reality. I worked hard to access my store of psychological methods and techniques to calm myself. But no matter how well educated I may be in the workings of the human mind, every great once in a while, I find that I have very little to absolutely no control over the thoughts that flood my head.

My mom tried her best to work her mom magic and make me feel better through the phone. I could hear the desperate tone in her voice, the tone that says "I'm so helpless, sitting here 200 miles away from you on the other end of a phone connection...What am I supposed to do when my child is sobbing so far away from me?" After a while, I managed to reassure her that I would be fine. I collected myself, told her I was okay, asked her not to worry, convinced her that I would make it through the rest of my day, told her I loved her, and hung up. I still felt like shit, though. Like I said, it was one of those days. And I truly know that it's one of those days when my mom can't fix the problem with her encouragement and kind words and witty jokes.

So, I did the only other thing I ever know to do: I turned up my car stereo, begging the inevitable to occur. Within seconds, I was being soothed by the sounds of bass lines and guitar riffs and the sweeter than honey, smoother than silk voice of my eyeglasses and plaid wearing hero from the Northwest. The music flows through me. Not around me. Not near me. But absolutely within me. I feel it in my heart as it pounds in my chest, in the blood pumping through my veins. It creates an electric current in my skin, causing the hair to raise on my neck and arms. And I slowly begin to feel whole again, healed by the melodies and words and understanding I find only in music. I begin to sing along, screaming to be heard over the volume of my own thoughts and the speakers that vibrate viciously within the frame of my car, fighting with every fiber of my being against all of the feelings that are threatening to rip me apart piece by piece. By the time I reach my destination, I can smile once again.

Every time this happens, I always wonder why it is that someone I've never met, that knows absolutely nothing about me, who doesn't even know I exist, can give me more comfort and aid me in finding more meaning that those that know me best. Why can I be soothed by the words of a stranger when my own mother's words fail? How can a song help me retrieve my sanity and sense of self from some far away dark place when the things and people most important in my life can't pull me back to reason and reality? I'll probably never know the answer, but I have to say, once again, how incredibly thankful I am for music and the fact that I have somehow been enabled to experience it the way I do. Without it, I'd hate to think of how incredibly empty my life would frequently feel. That being said, I don't ever want anyone to think I don't appreciate the people in my life, my friends and family, my friends that ARE my family. They all mean the world to me and I don't know what I would do without them.

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Continued, 2-27-2009:

Stuff I'm currently listening to and LOVING:

*Bon Iver, "For Emma, Forever Ago - An album of 10 songs, each of them sad and lovely and beautiful in the best ways possible. Justin Vernon's voice is a little different, higher pitched and a bit unpolished, but suits the music wonderfully and is able to convey emotion very well. He gets his point across: Old love dies hard.

*The "Dark Was the Night" compilation - If you like indie bands, this is the collection for you. You can get it on Amazon for $9.99, all 31 tracks. Artists include Ben Gibbard, Feist, Grizzly Bear, Sufjan Stevens, Cat Powers, The Decemberists, Bon Iver, Andrew Bird, Beirut, The New Pornographers, Conor Oberst, and My Morning Jacket, to name a few. "Train Song," performed by Ben Gibbard + Feist, is one of my favorite tracks, as well as "Sleepless," by the Decemberists. Both Gibbard's and Meloy's voices give me chills in these particular songs.

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I'm going to dinner at Star of India tonight. Should be tasty.

I'm also wearing my wonderful blue and gray plaid, incredibly soft and comfortable button-up shirt today. It truly is near the top of the list of my current favorite things.

My thesis proposal is happening on Wednesday. I feel ready. A little nervous, but ready. I want this thing done.

All in all, the week is ending much better than it started. Wednesday was a particular bitch that I hope I've learned from. Moving on...

I need food. I'm starving. Off to get my paycheck and take care of that problem.

I leave you with a thought from a guy I admire:

"An ex-girlfriend once got upset when I told her that music is the most important thing in my life. It’s more important than anyone else could ever be. I don’t want to be overly dramatic and say it’s the only thing that gets me up and keeps me going. But people in your life come and go. As you go through your life, you make friendships, you break friendships, you have relationships. Music is the one thing I’ve always been able to rely on. So why wouldn’t it be the most important thing in my life?"
--Ben Gibbard, from "The Meaning of Life," PASTE Magazine, April 2008

Peace.

And Things Keep Going....

2009-02-15T21:21:00.003-06:00

I've finished the first draft of my thesis proposal. I'm doing some final proofreading and changes and will send it to my adviser tomorrow. It feels really good to at least have a completed draft to work with, even though I know it's not perfect and I'm sure many changes will be added before I actually propose. I just don't feel like as much of a bum anymore, having a 25-page document in my hand to show the work I've actually been doing.

On Tuesday, I'm leaving for New Orleans for a conference with a professor and an undergraduate student from the Behavioral Sciences Department here at Tech. It's the week before Mardi Gras, so it should be a pretty entertaining trip. I went down there for a different conference around this time last year. My mom went with me then and we had a blast. I look forward to getting out of town for a while, even if it is only to go to Louisiana. It will be cool to hang out with people from the department for a few days and have some fun in a place that isn't Russellville, AR. A change of scenery is all I need every once in a while.

I think the excitement/stress I've begun to associate with getting ready to move is actually starting to catch up with me. I had a dream the other night... a very vivid dream... in which Kris and I flew to Seattle to find a place to live. Upon leaving the airport, which, strangely enough was located RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of downtown Seattle, I looked around and realized that the city was NOTHING like I remembered it and was, in fact, identical to Chinatown in San Francisco. As we wandered through shops and chatted with locals, I also noticed that Kris was toting a suitcase and a messenger bag in addition to her purse; I, however, had only a bag full of books. I had completely forgotten to pack any clothes at all for the trip. As I searched for garments to wear during my stay, I couldn't find anything, not even a t-shirt, for under $100. I ended up having to spend ALL of my travel money on clothing, leaving me with nothing for food or lodging or deposits on a place to live. I was panicked and depressed and felt completely hopeless. But I guess it all worked out.... because later, in a different dream (or a continuation of this first one... I'm really not sure...), I was walking through the Pike Place Market, looking through the shops and admiring the fresh produce and crafts made by the locals, when I ran into Robin Pecknold (lead singer for Fleet Foxes who happens to be from Seattle... in case you're not familiar with the name). I knew who he was in my dream, but didn't let him know I knew. I just approached him like he was a normal, every day guy that I just wanted to chat with. We quickly fell into easy conversation and started walking together through the market. He later informed me that he had to meet some friends back at his place and asked if I would like to come along and meet them. Of course I accepted. When we arrived at his apartment, I was absolutely thrilled when he opened the door and there sat the other members of Fleet Foxes. I was introduced and took a place on the couch, where I remained for the rest of the dream, chatting with this group of amazing musicians and in complete awe of my luck. Needless to say, I woke up with a combination of feelings. Worried about all of the things that I could forget or mess up if I don't plan well... but totally excited about the idea of meeting new people in a big, new place (now, don't think that I expect to meet Robin Pecknold walking through the market or anything like that... although, I wouldn't object to it. I just don't think the odds are in my favor on that one). It's so rare that I remember dreams. I just thought those were kind of interesting.

I graduate on May 16. Kris and I fly to Seattle on May 22. We plan on moving by the end of June. With each passing day, I feel more hopeful about my future. While I have an insane amount of work to do before I get my master's degree, I feel confident in my ability to accomplish these things. I'm so driven to succeed in this so I can move that it feels as though nothing can stand in my way. I won't let it. I'm so ready to move. So ready to be in the city I love. So ready to meet new people and make new friends (not that I don't love my friends here... I do. More than they'll ever know...). So ready to be surrounded by something other than fundamentalist attitudes EVERYWHERE I turn. So ready to be closer to the music scene and the bands I love. So ready to have more options for my future. So ready to be nearer to the Pacific and the mountains. I know I'm going to miss my family and friends when I leave and I'll probably even feel nostalgia toward Arkansas from time to time. It's time for a change, though. And it's been a long time coming.

Stuff I'm currently listening to and loving:

J. Tillman- Vacilando Territory Blues, I Will Return, and Minor Works. All GREAT albums. I checked this guy out after I started listening to Fleet Foxes. He's their drummer but has a solo career as well. His stuff is really great for the end of a stressful day, when you just need to wind down. He has a really soothing voice... in my opinion, anyway.

The Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack- It's up for best film score at the Academy Awards on Sunday. It's already won at the Golden Globes. It's really beautiful and compliments the movie in so many good ways. "O...Saya," which features MIA, is really awesome, especially if you listen to it in a car with a really good sound system... and "Jai Ho" will make you want to get up and dance.

Barcelona- A friend of mine gave me the songs "First Floor People," "Get Up, Get Up, Get Up," and "It's About Time" recently by this band called Barcelona. I can't get enough of these guys. Really heartfelt lyrics and music that reminds me of Keane... and sometimes Coldplay... and, on occasion, the bass lines of the Killers.

"The Sun Giant" EP, by Fleet Foxes- "Mykonos" is amazing. You never heard more perfect harmonies in folk music. That's all I'm going to say.

"Prospekt's March" EP, by Coldplay- They've simply added more to some songs from "Viva la Vida" and thrown in a few pieces that didn't make the cut for the full album. It's good stuff, though. The Jay-Z remix of "Lost" is particularly interesting... and well done, in my opinion.

The library's closing in 10 minutes and I will be run out soon enough. I'll try to update a bit from New Orleans in the upcoming week.

Peace.

Weather, a Thesis, and Outstanding Music as Usual

2009-01-28T22:17:00.004-06:00

The weather here the past few days has been kind of crazy. We were bracing ourselves for a nightmare of a winter weather system, but other parts of the state seem to have taken the hit instead of us. We just got some freezing rain and sleet. I woke up this morning to a chilly 26 degrees and a thin layer of ice on the grass and trees. Not enough to close the university, though. While I would have loved to have had some fun with some snow and ice, I'm really glad that we didn't lose power to our home like thousands of others around the state have. Both of my parents living in different parts of northeast Arkansas lost electricity to their homes and still don't know when their services will return. My dad said his neighborhood looks like a war zone with all of the fallen trees and power lines. All I can do is hope things get fixed soon. I feel really bad for all of them. At least he and his wife have a fireplace and my mom, stepfather, and siblings are in possession of a propane heater. I can sleep knowing they won't freeze.

I wrote five pages on my thesis proposal today. I got the proposed experiment, hypotheses, ethical considerations, and methods sections completed. Now, I just have to get the introduction and the literature review put together. That's the hardest part for me. There's just so much literature to sift through and make sense of. It's difficult to know what I should and shouldn't include when SO MUCH of it seems completely relevant in some form. Either way, I hope to have a rough draft to submit to my adviser by the end of this week. I really want to get this thing written and proposed within the next couple of weeks so I can get approval from the Human Subjects Research Committee to go forward with my project. I'd really like to have the experiment completed and date collected by the time spring break gets here so I can analyze and defend my findings in April. I don't want to be finishing this thing the week before I graduate.

There's yet another Death Cab for Cutie concert on the horizon. They're going to be playing a show in Memphis at the Orpheum Theater with Ra Ra Riot (!!!!!!!!!) on April 11th, along with the Cold War Kids. I've never listened to the Cold War Kids, but I LOVE Ra Ra Riot and never imagined that I'd get to see them before moving to Seattle. Tickets are only $40 and it's only a 3 hour drive from here to Memphis (as opposed to the 6 and a half I drove to St. Louis for the one in October). Not a bad deal in my eyes. I feel so privileged to have the opportunity to see Ben Gibbard, Chris Walla, Nick Harmer, and Jason McGerr make awesome music together yet again. And always adds a really sweet icing to the cake when they play with other great bands (as they did with Rogue Wave last May in Columbia and Fleet Foxes last October in St. Louis). Tickets go on sale Friday. Wish me luck for good seats!

If you're not familiar with Fleet Foxes drummer J. Tillman, you should really check him out. He's put out a number of solo albums over the past few years. I got three of them Monday night and have been listening to them every since. It's really laid back, quiet, folky stuff that I find equally soothing and haunting simultaneously. His voice really does a number on me, much like Robin Pecknold's and Ben Gibbard's. Anyway, his music is my companion for the week. I highly recommend it.

I must shut down the music lab now and head to my house. Hot tea and good music will be had upon arriving home. The night is young.

Peace.

Oscar Time

2009-01-23T12:10:00.002-06:00

The Academy Award nominees for 2009 were released yesterday. "Slumdog Millionaire," my pick for the year (last year it was "Juno"...2007, it was "Little Miss Sunshine"...and in 2006, it was, OF COURSE, "Brokeback Mountain." I'm still upset about that one losing to "Crash," but that's a different rant for a different time), has been nominated for 10 categories: Achievment in Cinematography, Achievement in Directing (Danny Boyle), Achievement in Film Editing, Achievement in Music Written for a Motion Picture (Original Score by A.R. Rahman), Achievement in Music Written for a Motion Picture (Original Songs: "Jai Ho," music by A.R. Rahman, lyrics by Gulzar; "O Saya," Music and Lyrics by A.R. Rahman and Maya Arulpragasam (a.k.a., M.I.A)), Best Motion Picture of the Year, Achievement in Sound Editing, Achievement in Sound Mixing, AND Adapted Screenplay. "Milk," another film I've been following about Harvey Milk, the first openly gay elected public official who was later assassinated in San Francisco, has been nominated for 8 awards: Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role (Sean Penn), Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role (Josh Brolin), Achievement in Costume Design, Achievment in Directing (Gus Van Sant), Achievement in Film Editing, Achievement in Music Written for a Motion Picture (Original Score by Danny Elfman), Best Motion Picture of the Year, AND Original Screenplay. LONG LIST! I'm really excited to see how both of these films do on February 22.

I made playlist last night comprised of over 125 songs spanning everything from Rascal Flatts to film scores. IT'S AMAZING. I've been listening to it all morning and haven't skipped a single song. I love it when I do simple, meaningless things like this well. Music just means so much to me and to have hours of my favorite songs put together in such a pleasing way is just a really cool feeling for me.

I can't wait to go dancing tonight and let loose for a while. I also can't wait to see Martin. He will be receiving a number of hugs and kisses (on the cheek) from me. It's going to be a good night.

I hope the weekend treats everyone well.

Peace.

Good Things for a Change...

2009-01-21T08:59:00.009-06:00

I just finished up four days with no commitments whatsoever. Saturday was free... Sunday was free, but I decided to attend the First Degree of Tau Beta Sigma's MC Period, which was TONS of fun and allowed me to see many people that I rarely get to interact with... Monday was a holiday for the university, so I slept late and then woke up and gave a lot of thought to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s life and accomplishments (honest to God, the guy is one of my few heroes)... and yesterday...

Well, yesterday, we inaugurated the first African-American president of the United States. Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m., turned on my television, sat down on the couch with my hound dog, and didn't remove myself from that position for any length of time until about 3 p.m. Yesterday, I cried every time I saw the words "The Inauguration of Barack Obama." Yesterday, I smiled and cheered on every occasion that he and his beautiful family were pictured. Yesterday, I watched in awe as Barack Hussein Obama took his oath as our nation's highest leader with his hand on the bible of Abraham Lincoln. Yesterday, I listened to a very inspiring and moving speech from a very passionate man and couldn't stop thinking about how amazing it is to see things you desperately want to happen actually happen. Yesterday, I waved goodbye and shouted loud, inappropriate things at the TV as the asshole who has resided in the White House for the last eight years got into a helicopter and flew away as PRESIDENT Obama looked on. Yesterday, for the first time in a very, VERY long time, I felt proud of my country and the fact that I am an American citizen. Yesterday, I got to witness history and know that I have been a part of its making.

I hope I never forget how that feels.

On a different note, if you haven't seen "Slumdog Millionaire," you should give it a watch. It's still in a few theaters, but it will be out on DVD on February 24th. It won four Golden Globes, including Best Film, and was also chosen as the best film for the Critics' Choice Awards. I'm anxious to see how it does at the Academy Awards. Dev Patel, the lead character, is an 18 year-old from England that's a pretty outstanding actor, especially for this being his first big film (he's not bad looking, either...). He's really good at conveying the many diverse emotions his character is experiencing and he has really sad eyes when he needs to. Freida Pinto, the girl in the film, is pretty great, too. She's absolutely beautiful and she and Patel interact well together. It's going to sound silly, but stay through the credits at the end. There's a pretty cheesy but cool dance scene with a large group of people and the two leads up in front. It's actually pretty impressive and the song they're dancing to is really catchy. I bought the score/soundtrack Saturday night. It's by A.R. Rahman and is really well done. I feel like he knew exactly how to compose music that sounded like the characters and the parts of India being portrayed. There are also a couple of songs by M.I.A. on there. Good stuff.

I also saw Fleet Foxes on Saturday Night Live this past weekend. If you've never seen/heard them perform live, I can't stress enough how amazing they are, especially when it's not being filtered through a television screen (but that's better than nothing). Their vocal harmonies are absolutely chill inducing. They may just look like a bunch of scrawny mountain men, but with instruments in their hands and a microphone in front of their faces, they are, in my opinion, one of the best bands out there right now. I met their lead singer, Robin Pecknold, in St. Louis back in October after a concert in which they opened for Death Cab for Cutie and he was one of the most humble, soft-spoken people I think I've ever encountered. It was awesome to get to talk to him for about 5-10 minutes. Last month, he was voted as having the best new voice of 2008 by Spin magazine. I can't say that I disagree with them at all. Josh Tillman, their drummer, is pretty outstanding in his own right. If you ever get to witness them playing, watch him go to town back there. In addition to having a great voice, it's pretty impressive to watch him rotate through his collection of percussion instruments back there around his drum set. I'm telling you, the Northwest is truly the place to look for great music. These guys are yet another product of Seattle and are currently a member of Sub Pop Record's family of artists, the same record label that put out Nirvana's stuff back in the day. If you decide to check them out, listen to "Blue Ridge Mountains," "Mykonos," and "Your Protector." If you have an open mind about music and appreciate strong voices and strings, I don't think you'll be disappointed.

"Mykonos" on SNL

"Blue Ridge Mountains" on SNL

I'm going dancing this weekend for the first time in months. And Martin will be here. And with the beginning this week has had, something drastic will have to happen to make this anything but a good next few days. I like it when the world works.

I wish I could blog all day, but I actually have things I should be doing... such as reading or writing one of the many things I have to complete in order to graduate in a few months. So... to that I go.

Peace.

So This is the New Year...

2009-01-14T10:40:00.004-06:00

Here it is. My final semester as a student of ANY sort at Arkansas Tech University in the wonderful (*sarcasm*) town of Russellville, Arkansas. I have what feels like a huge project in the form of my thesis looming before me over the course of the next five months. When I really stop and think about it, though, there's really not going to be that much to it. The hardest part is going to be motivating myself to actually to the literature review for my proposal. Designing and conducting the research is actually going to be fun and interesting. I'm looking forward to interacting with individuals in a research setting once again. I'm particularly excited because I'll actually be addressing research questions that interest me as opposed to questions developed by professors. Either way, research = YAY. I'm also waiting for word for the University of Washington's Social Psychology PhD program. I'm really not counting on getting in, not because I have no confidence in my abilities or my achievements, but because it's a highly competitive program and a lot of students want to study there. I'm just ready to know, one way or another, whether I'll be continuing with school this fall or getting a job in the real world. Either way, I'll be in Seattle, so it's sort of a win/win situation.

Speaking of Seattle, I now have a plane ticket that will be getting me there on May 22. My friend and I are flying up that weekend for a 10-day stay in which we will HOPEFULLY find a place to live. Of course, we have to have a little fun while we're there, especially since she's never been. That weekend, Memorial Day weekend, the Northwest Folklife Festival will be taking place. It's a huge gathering of folks from all over, full of art, music, dancing, food, beer, and many other sorts of craziness. It's held at the Seattle Center (in the shade of the Space Needle) and, best of all, it's FREE. So we'll be spending some time checking that out. While at the Seattle Center, we may check out the Experience Music Project and the Science Fiction Museum and maybe even the Space Needle. Kris isn't so keen on heights, so I don't know if the observation deck would even be enjoyable for her. I also hope to make it back down to the waterfront, have some tasty fish & chips from Ivar's, feed the seagulls, visit the awesome aquarium. On the 29th, we'll be taking a ferry to Bremerton, renting a car, and heading out to explore the Olympic Peninsula. We'll be visiting Port Angeles, Forks, and La Push. I can't wait to see the beaches again. I miss the rocks and driftwood and sand so dark gray that it sometimes looks black. I also look forward to seeing the Hoh Rainforest once more. So much green and trees with trunks many times wider than myself. All in all, I'm just excited to be getting out of Arkansas again and back to the Northwest, my absolute favorite part of the US.

It's unbelievable to me that in six months, I will no longer be an Arkansan. It's definitely a happy thought and I've been planning for this, hoping for this, wishing for and wanting this more than just about anything else for several years. It's just a crazy feeling, ACTUALLY seeing all of that planning and hard work toward a goal coming to full fruition. Knowing that I, Chelsea Liddell, will be getting the hell out of the south. Knowing that Seattle really is REAL... I've been there...twice... but sometimes my memories of it seem like a dream, as though a place that great and people and culture like that can't really exist. A place with multiple music venues, record companies, recording studios, a view of TWO mountain ranges and a gorgeous body of water, located only 3-4 hours from the Pacific Ocean, Canada, AND Portland, Oregon, and responsible for producing both Death Cab for Cutie AND Fleet Foxes HAS to be too good to be true. But I'm moving there. In six months. I will have a home in the city I've loved for more years than I can remember. An actual place to go at the end of the day where my dog and all of my things will reside. I won't have to get back in a car or on a bus or on a plane and return "home" to Arkansas. It's always felt rather backwards for me when I leave Seattle... as though "home" is there and leaving it kind of tugs at my heart and stomach a bit. Watching it disappear behind me has always left with a sort of sad, hopeless feeling, knowing that what awaited me at the end was Arkansas, the place where I was born and grew up, where the people I love and cherish live and will probably never leave, but also the place that I outgrew in so many ways too long ago. On two occasions, coming back here has both hurt some unseen part of me and, at the same time, made me more determined to step out and do something with my life. You only get one of them and there's no sense in spending any more of it than you have to in a state of unhappiness. If you can create positive change within your own life, there's no reason not to. Seattle is the change I want. Seattle is where I feel I need to be right now. I all but hear it calling to me, exercising some unknown and invisible force on my being. And, with all of that being said, I'm literally counting down the days... with big green 'X's on my calendars. Only a thesis and six months stand in my way.

I bought a blue and gray plaid, soft, cotton, button-up shirt at Old Navy on Saturday for $6.49, the kind that looks as though it could have already been worn for a while before I picked it up and decided to give it a chance. The kind that just looking at it hanging on the rack made me think "Now THAT is a comfortable shirt." I look like a big nerd in it, but I also look more like myself wearing that shirt than anything else I've owned in years. It's quickly becoming my favorite.

My new laptop rocks my face off. SO much better than the other one I've had for almost seven years. The poor thing's battery was shot, requiring it to be plugged in if you wanted to use it for more than 10-15 minutes at a time. The new one holds all of my music, unlike the old one that had only a 20GB hard drive and required an external drive to hold my songs; this was quite inconvenient if I wanted to travel with my computer and have my music available. At that point, I just really didn't even see the point of having a laptop. I'm glad I talked myself into spending the money on a new one. Not a bad investment.

What I'm currently listening to and LOVING:
*Owl City- "Maybe I'm Dreaming" (The lyrics to "Saltwater Room" are enough to make me teary-eyed...SO GOOD) and "Of June"
*Iron & Wine- "The Shepherd's Dog" (check out "House by the Sea" and "Boy With a Coin" if you don't listen to anything else on the album)
*The Killers- "Day & Age" ("Human" is AMAZING)
*The Bravery- the song "Believe" (with which I have recently been reunited... I couldn't find my copy of the single for quite some time. Thanks, roomie!)
*Death Cab for Cutie- "Transatlanticism" ("New Year" makes me want to give life the finger. "Tiny Vessels" gives me chills with its incredibly straight forward lyrics. "We Looked Like Giants" makes me long for someone to be free with. The title track, "Transatlanticism," makes me ache inside. So much honesty on that album. I wish I could convey feeling in such an understandable way. Ben Gibbard stands alone.)
*Rilo Kiley- "Under the Blacklight" (I first heard "Silver Lining" in a live recording sung by Ben Gibbard. He did it justice, but the original is outstanding. "Close Call" is also worth multiple listens.)

To end on a funny note...

1 minute, 3 seconds

Thanks, Kris.

It's lunch time here in the Behavioral Sciences Department. My leftovers are calling to me from the fridge. Hopefully, I'll update a little sooner this next time. Two and a half months is too long to go without blogging. I miss it.

Peace.

2008-10-30T17:06:00.001-05:00

Get up off your ass and go VOTE. Words can't begin to express the importance of this one, simple task at this time in our country.

Not Ready to Love

2008-09-29T15:09:00.013-05:00

I was listening to "One Man Guy," as performed by Rufus Wainwright (the song was originally written and recorded by his father) this morning and, for some reason, found his voice to be particularly comforting and appropriate for my mood today. Because of this, I decided I'd just listen to every Rufus Wainwright song I have with me on my iPod. I've collected random stuff by him over the years from several of his albums, but the only album of his I've ever bought in its entirety is "Release the Stars," his latest one which was released early last summer. While in San Francisco last May, I wandered into the Virgin Megastore off Market Street and encountered a display advertising the newly released album. It was on sale and, for some reason, I felt compelled to purchase it. I had never bought any of his other albums... don't know why I suddenly needed this one. But ANYWAY... I didn't even open it until I left on the bus from Seattle about a week and a half later to make my journey back to Arkansas. I'm really glad I didn't listen to it before then because it complimented the scenery of Eastern Washington and Oregon so well. The snow-capped mountains, the green that stretched forever in all directions... Wainwright's voice and musings on love just seemed to work well as an accompaniment for taking all of it in. I listened to that album a LOT over the course of that two-day ride back to the South. However, I hadn't really paid much attention to it since then. Until today.

When my playlist reached "Release the Stars," I immediately woke up from my Monday morning stupor as I recognized the beginnings of the album. I listened intently, hearing things I remembered fondly, hearing things I didn't remember at all. What struck me most was the fact that I don't remember feeling SO moved by these songs. I don't remember ever actively acknowledging the beauty of these intstrumental arrangements. I don't remember his voice creating this feeling in my chest, causing my breath to catch on certain notes. I don't remember getting chills as I listened to his lyrics. Maybe I was just in a different place mentally when I first experienced this album. Or maybe I just hadn't yet learned to listen this way. Whatever the case may be, I have found a new and amazing friend in this album and I feel so bad for neglecting it for so long.

Last summer, I recall loving the songs "Going to a Town," in which Wainwright criticizes America and how it has let the world down in the last few years, and "Slideshow," in which he ponders his love for a particular individual, whether it's real or not, and what it means for him to feel this way. This time around, I still find those songs lovely; even more so now because of the way I'm listening to them. However, I somehow overlooked this outstanding song called "Not Ready to Love" when I first bought the album. How, I will never know... because it is gorgeous and heart-wrenching and pulls from me a response that few songs can. On my second listen through the album today, I set aside everything I was doing to completely take it in. All I could do was close my eyes and listen, processing the layers of sound -- acoustic guitar, steel guitar, an almost hidden bass line, and later, piano -- overlapping, intertwining, creating an inexplicable beauty with his smooth as silk voice topping it all off like icing on a cake while putting forth words so heartfelt it made me want to cry. I probably would have had I been anywhere else.

I've been in a mood the past week or so stemming from any number of areas in my life. When I stop and really think about it, though, what it comes down to is that I feel lonely. I want someone to want me. I want to turn around and see someone there. I want to wake up, roll over, and see someone I love lying next to me. But, at the same time, I realize I am in no place in my life to want or have this sort of thing. I don't want to involve myself with someone that I will only leave in a number of months as I make my way to Seattle. I already feel like shit, knowing that I'll be doing that to friends I've been lucky enough to find here, those that mean more to me than they'll ever know. To walk away from that kind of love is bad enough, but friendships are designed to withstand time and distance and it's in this that I trust. In short, I don't want to involve myself in something until I can do it right and give another person the same sort of love, affection, and attention that I know I deserve and would expect from them. If I can't put myself in a situation where I can at least attempt to do things correctly, then I don't see the point. This, however, does not change the fact that I'm lonely. That my chest hurts. That I have headaches daily. That I'm filled with a longing that won't go away. That I can't sleep a lot of nights. That I want something I can't have, no matter what I do.

And I guess that's why "Release the Stars," and "Not Ready to Love" in particular, is speaking to me today. I love that music can do that... allow you to connect to SOMETHING, not matter what it is you're feeling or experiencing. When nothing else seems to work, when no one seems to care, when you think you could never find the right words to express what you're feeling, along comes a perfect song, out of the blue, that has the ability to encompass all of the impossibilities of the moment. I'd be lost without that.

I'm not ready to love, I'm not ready for peace
I'm givin' up the dove to the beast
I'm not ready to surrender to another glove murderer

I'm not ready to love, I'm not ready to to fly
I'm givin' up belief in the sky
So you can take my sin in up above on high, say goodbye

I'm not ready to love, I'm not ready to love
I'm not ready to love until I'm ready to love you the way you should be loved
Until I'm ready to hold you the way you should be held
You should be held, but I'm not ready to

"Not Ready to Love," by Rufus Wainwright

"The Rhumb Line," by Ra Ra Riot

2008-09-23T20:31:00.005-05:00

Seriously.... listen to this album.

_________________________________________________________________

Have I been too discreet
How long am I supposed to wait
I think about you nightly
Oh can you tell I'm losing sleep

What am I supposed to do
It's hard to stay cool
When you smile at me
And I get nervous every time you speak

My bed's too big for just me
When you turn your eyes
I promise I won't care
Standing by your sister fair

Oh baby baby please
My heart sinks to my feet
What am I supposed to do
I think about you nightly

My bed's too big for just me
When you turn your eyes
I promise I won't care
Standing by your sister fair

My bed's too big for me
When you turn your eyes
I promise I won't care
Standing by your sister fair

When I look into your eyes
I tend to lose my thoughts
Don't forget your stare
Oh what was that you said
Would you let me know
'Cause I can't read your mind
Oh can you tell
I can't even explain

Oh baby I can't even explain
What am I supposed to do
It's hard to stay cool
When you smile at me
And I get nervous every time you speak
Oh, standing by your sister fair

"Can You Tell," by Ra Ra Riot

"Cath..." in its Greatest Form

2008-09-19T13:59:00.007-05:00

This is, in my opinion, absolutely, positively, without a doubt the best version of this song that I've heard. I have a recording of Ben Gibbard singing it alone during his solo tour last year, accompanied by nothing but the acoustic guitar he's playing. I've heard it played live while standing in the audience. I have the album (of course). I stumbled upon this performance of "Cath...," which is part of an interview Chris and Ben did while in England, while weeding through YouTube videos. This version is astounding because:
1.) The two guitars play perfectly off of one another. The give and take is so well-balanced. I know that has to do with the arrangement of the music, but I also think Ben and Chris just play so well together and that they've been doing it so well for so long that they make it look and sound easy now.
2.) The absolutely driving rhythm established by the two acoustic guitars is just outstanding. At times, I have to stop and REALLY listen, thinking "That can't possibly be just those guitars...." but it is. Watch Ben Gibbard's strumming hand. You can notice him knocking those beats dead on. Chris Walla contributes to it as well. Again, just watching the give and take between the two guitar parts is awesome.
3.) This is a really stripped version of "Cath..." You can hear with great clarity the beautiful melodic guitar lines that so frequently get hidden or down-played by other things in the album version. You can also watch Chris Walla's mad picking skills. It's SO FUN to observe these guys playing and interacting with one another. You can just FEEL the connection.
4.) As I stated in my previous post, I think Ben Gibbard's voice was made to accompany an acoustic guitar. His vocals stand out in this recording in a way that they really CAN'T in the album version.

I wish I could hire these guys to sit and play acoustic guitar and sing and talk to me all day long. I'd be in heaven.

Why I Cry...

2008-09-18T18:12:00.008-05:00

A while back, I heard Ben Gibbard do a cover of "Why I Cry" on a video from the solo tour he did in 2007 (See below). I LOVE his version of the song, but I wish I could find a better quality recording of it. You should really check out this performance. I enjoy watching him play so much... and listening. I think Gibbard's voice was manufactured specifically to accompany an acoustic guitar. The two sound as if they were made for each other.

Yesterday, I found the original version done by the Magnetic Fields. Listening to it gave me that feeling of wanting to do nothing more than crawl into bed with the person you love and cling to them forever. Such sadness evoked by that song. Each note, guitar riff, and vocalization crushing my heart. But it's such a real feeling, one to be experienced, not pushed to the side or overlooked. It's not that surface sad that you know is expected of you so you force yourself to "feel" it, but that deep sort of sad that is undeniable as it penetrates all the way to the bone. I think it perfectly encompasses what it feels like to be left against your will by someone you thought would never be more than an arm's reach away. I recommend it if you want to experience something true and real for about three full minutes.

All the summer days
Where we used to play
Walking hand in hand
Castles in the sand

So you said goodnight
But you meant goodbye
Now our love has died
This is why I cry

From the madding crowd
Pointing up at clouds
Summer turned to fall
Pictures on the wall

So you said goodnight
But you meant goodbye
Now our love has died
This is why I cry

Listen...

2008-09-04T16:12:00.006-05:00

I just ordered Chuck Klosterman's first novel, Downtown Owl, which got released almost two weeks earlier than what I had marked on my calendar. Exciting stuff. I've always been a big fan of his writing, mostly cultural commentary. I love his perspective and his take on people. I envy his way with words. Somehow, he manages to express those ideas and feelings lurking in the depths of my mind that I only acknowledge in the time I spend alone right before falling asleep. It only frustrates me when I try to explain such thoughts. I hate stating something I find to be truly beautiful, profound, worthy of conversation, or just plain neat only to be greeted by blank stares, awkward silence, or a passing one syllable word or grunt. I think my mind works in strange ways as it's a rare thing for me to find a person that I feel I truly connect with on multiple levels. More often than not, I can only make these connections with music or books; Benjamin Gibbard, Chuck Klosterman, Jack Kerouac... you get the picture. I'm not trying to say there's anything wrong with any person I know for not wanting to talk about what I find interesting. I just often feel that there's this huge part of me that never gets to see the light of day because no one has any use for it and forcing it on someone doesn't do anybody any good. It only leads to a deeper realization that no one is listening... and then I'm back at square one.

I'm currently listening to the latest Mates of State album and I have to say I'm really feeling this music. And when I say "feeling," I don't mean it as a metaphor for really getting into it. I mean I'm honestly, physically experiencing this music. I feel it in my muscles, in my bones, in the blood pumping through my veins. I can see it when I close my eyes. It affects me so strongly at times it feels as though it should be something tangible residing within me. How could the simple process of manipulating airwaves ever produce such power? ANYWAY... I've owned "Re-arrange Us" for about 3 weeks now, but I'm finally relaxing into the sound of these songs, the layout of the tracks over the course of the album, and all of the subtle musical details hidden between the cracks. Like the gorgeous cello line in "Get Better," not emphasized that much at all until the end of the song... down-played very much by the piano, drums, and vocal harmonies. But it's there the whole time... and once you hear it, you'll never not hear it again because it almost instantly becomes one of those great comforts you depend on during gray mornings and long drives and lonely nights when there's no one to hear your heart breaking. "Everything's going to get lighter, even if it never gets better," sings Kori Gardner in her beautiful, strong, "I will not take this laying down" voice. She is backed by her husband, Jason Hammel, providing roughly perfect harmonies to her melody as he pounds out the driving rhythm on his drums. That line... I don't know what it is... but every time I hear it, something inside me swells. As though I'm finally realizing, or perhaps just being reminded, that no matter how hopeless the world may seem, there is always something that will be able to provide some sort of solace, make things "lighter," even if it's only for a moment and even if the world is shit again immediately afterward. All I have to do is step back and look for it. Like that lovely cello disguising itself amidst that piano line, there is always beauty to be found, in people, in places, in situations, in so many things, if I just slow down and make a point of looking for it. In this case, it's a song that you've probably never heard played by two musicians you probably never knew existed. Long story short, check out this album. Even if you don't like it, you've only lost about 40 minutes of your life. And if you DO like it... well, welcome to the club.

I wish you could hear what I hear. And I wish I could tell you how to hear it. And I wish that I didn't feel like an idiot, grasping at straws, as I try to explain how I crave things like this- musical experiences, connections, realizations, peace, plus some element I can't even put a name to, all rolled into one-more than the oxygen my lungs require to breathe. I want someone to understand me fully... and still want me afterward.

Yes, We Can! Accept a Nomination... and Look Really Adorable in Plaid

2008-08-29T11:17:00.004-05:00

This guy... I've never been more proud to support someone. The fact that a politician of any sort can make me feel as hopeful as Obama does is just amazing within itself. But he is actually capable of making me look at this country that I've grown bitter toward and nothing but frustrated with and think that there might be a chance of us coming back from the awful mess that has been the presidency of George W. Bush. Perhaps we can restore our place within the world. Perhaps the US can once again be the place it has promised to be for so many years. Regardless of what happens, I feel so lucky to have been around to experience the campaign of Barack Obama, one for the books.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And THESE guys, as I mentioned in my last post, are just the greatest as far as I'm concerned. Chris Walla (of Death Cab for Cutie) has been blogging for Rolling Stone magazine from the convention all week (check it out at www.rollingstone.com) and Ben Gibbard (also of DCfC) has been VERY outspoken in his support for Obama and his message of change for the country. This is a very brief interview, but I love that these guys are getting heard. I love me some Seattle guys in plaid!

New Year and a Band That Owns My Soul

2008-08-27T10:59:00.003-05:00

I went all summer without a single post... not because I had nothing to say but because other things just always seem to take priority over blogging, even if I don't want them to. I've had so many ideas for things I'd like to write, mostly concerning music, but I never have the time to get them all down. I also feel at a loss for words sometimes... as though the English language isn't adequate for expressing the things I feel. In the words of Ben Gibbard: "The boundaries of language I quietly curse." More frequently than anyone realizes...

The new school year has begun. It's off to a good start as far as I'm concerned. My thesis topic was approved, so I'm FINALLY enrolled in my thesis research hours. I'll be working on a project that truly interests me, so I know I'll be motivated. I'm teaching a General Psychology course full of freshmen that have no clue about college yet. It's fun and interesting to watch them as I lecture. Teaching is going to be a great experience for me; I can tell already. As a graduate assistant, I get an office that I share with one other person. He's hardly ever here at the same times as me, so it's quiet most of the time and I can listen to my music if I want. Pretty sweet set up. I've decorated my blinding white office walls will pictures of Seattle and Washington state that I've printed out, along with album art from Death Cab for Cutie's stuff and xkcd comic strips. It's added a little character, to say the least. I'm taking two classes, both of which I think will be pretty interesting. I only have one paper and one presentation this semester, which is great because I have so much to do for my thesis. I HAVE to stay on track to finish by May so I can graduate and get the hell out of here. Also this fall, I will be applying to the Social Psychology PhD. program at the University of Washington in Seattle. I completely expect to be rejected, but I have to try. Who knows? The universe my pleasantly surprise me for a change. Busy year ahead of me... but I know it will be worth it in the end. I'm counting down the days until I can walk through the streets of Seattle and call it home. So close...

Over the past few months, I've fallen even more in love with Death Cab for Cutie. I saw them in concert in May in Columbia, Missouri, and it was one of the most moving experiences of my life. The way I felt after that show, half deaf and wearing a smile that would not go away... it was as though I'd been missing something essential in my life but just never noticed it. But after hearing and SEEING Ben Gibbard and Chris Walla and Jason McGerr and Nick Harmer make music together on an open air stage in the middle of a street, I felt as though some piece of a puzzle had locked securely into place. To be able to convey such feeling and force through the manipulation of airwaves via instrument and voice... it never ceases to amaze me. I'll be seeing them again in October and I simply cannot wait.

Benjamin Gibbard

Chris Walla

I'll try to update a little more frequently throughout the upcoming year. I have some time here in this office where I'm simply chilling and thinking and planning. Perhaps I can blog then.

Peace

National Day of Silence 2008

2008-04-20T21:48:00.002-05:00

National Day of Silence: Friday, April 25th, 2008

What are you going to do to end the silence?

Check out these links for more information:

http://www.dayofsilence.org/content/truth.html

http://www.dayofsilence.org/content/news.html

...

2008-04-16T09:10:00.003-05:00

That intoxicating smell
I hate how it lingers
Forcing me to respond against my will
And desire what I can never have
Twisting my gut
Leaving an all too familiar ache
As my body longs for something just beyond my reach

My mind knows the truth
But biology can often be merciless
Tearing down well reinforced walls
Leaving nothing between me and the enemy
And I find myself staring with both awe and disgust
Wondering why
I have always had such a queer love affair with the impossible

Escape

2008-03-11T21:16:00.005-05:00

Around this same time every year, I start to get this feeling that I'm suffocating.

I feel trapped by what seems like a ton of obligations, responsibilities, and things that need to be done before I can escape. I've come to the conclusion that a lot of these are imaginary. However, this doesn't make their presence and the effects they're having on my life any less real.

I sit in front of a computer for hours at a time at my job. With nothing else to do and internet access at my fingertips, I look at pictures of Seattle and Washington state and dream of the day when I'll be living there. I think of how nice it will be to live in a city, to be able to walk to the places I need to go, or have access to public transportation when it's needed. To actually have access to cultural events and music and art on a regular basis without having to drive for a minimum of 2 hours...

I think about all of the possibilities that Seattle holds. I could end up furthering my education in the Social Psychology PhD program at the University of Washington (if they'll accept me) or getting a job that will actually allow me to utilize my master's degree that I will have earned here. And even if I can't find a suitable psychology job, there are job openings all over the place in veterinary healthcare, an area with which I am VERY familiar as I worked in a veterinary clinic for many years as a youngster and a teenager.

I think about how incredibly few possibilities Arkansas has to offer me... and I wonder for the millionth time that hour why I am still here.

I look at listings of available houses for rent, checking daily for new additions for reasons I have yet to comprehend seeing as how I am nowhere near ready to start looking for another place to live yet. I still have to worry about paying next month's rent on the Dover house... and the month after that... and the month after that....

I look at the beaches of Washington's Olympic Peninsula and long for the day when I can make a trip on the weekend to walk where the water meets the land and camp on the cliffs where I will be able to fall asleep to the sound of honest to God Pacific Ocean waves. Gulf of Mexico waves are one thing, but in my mind, they lack the power and severe beauty that the Pacific possesses.

I search the most obscure parts of the internet for cheap travel options in the hopes that I might be able to get back up there before next summer. It's so difficult for me to go so long without that feeling I get when I'm in Washington. The feeling that I'm free to be me... free to breathe... free to enjoy my life and finally relax into what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. A feeling of hope that I can't seem to summon while sitting here in Russellville...

Every night, I go to sleep making plans in my head. Plans that I pray will actually come to pass.

I miss Seattle so very much. I think it somehow kept some essential part of my being that I'll never be able to fully reclaim, some part of me that will remain there always, regardless of any future places in which I may find myself.

I wish I had the nerve to just lay it all down here, walk away from this bullshit degree and this bullshit school... pack my things and just get in my car and go. Fuck the money. I could make some when I get there. Fuck the timing. You only live once. I should be using the little time I have to do things that actually MEAN something to me instead of wasting it here, working toward a degree I'm only getting because I've been told master's degree = job security, something else I've been told I'm supposed to care about. I should have applied to the PhD program at the U of W last year, but no... I had to play it safe because that was the responsible thing to do: stay here, get a "well-rounded" experience in the field of psychology so I could better determine where I belong. It hasn't helped at all. If anything, it's only confused me further and made me realize that I'm going to have to make my own niche, regardless of the field of psychology I choose. Even though education has always been terribly important to me and a PhD has always been a goal I've set for myself and something that I truly wish to obtain, the longer I stay here, the more I realize that there are so many other things in life that mean so much more to me... things that I haven't pursued up to this point because education and the responsibilities and obligations associated with it have kept me anchored to one spot.

I'm so tired of it. So incredibly exhausted... but I lack what it takes to be wild and fancy free and let go of all of these cares. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to be that person.

In a few months, I will be 24 years old... and I will begin my last year of calling Arkansas my home. My last year of trying to find ways to occupy my mind and kill time until I can graduate... again. My last year of trying to figure out ways to get out of here. My last year of counting days and falling asleep to the memories and images of the Northwest that are so frequently my main source of comfort.

My 25th year on this earth will be the beginning of something completely different. Something amazing. Something worthwhile. Something real.

Snow

2008-01-31T20:33:00.000-06:00

I went to a restaurant earlier to meet some friends for dinner. None of them showed until thirty minutes later and I had to leave. During that time, I just sat and ate my burger and watched the snow through the window. I don't know what it is about falling snow that makes me feel that the world is full of so much sad beauty. The kind of beauty that when you actually stop and take notice of it, it leaves you feeling as though the only proper thing to do is cry because there's really no other way to express it. The only downside to this is that not everything IS beautiful... including people. So most of the rest of my evening has been spent feeling slightly annoyed and frustrated with the individuals that I feel will never reach beyond the petty things of their every day lives. Listening to them go on and on about the wrongs they feel have been dealt them, even though most of these so-called faults against them exist only in rumor and nothing more... or having a tall, skinny blonde tell me how challenging her weight watchers program is... or having someone fish for a way to compliment me and, in the process, semi-insult me instead... these things just make the world seem so much more discontent and due to my mood, just made me wish for nothing more than to not be around anyone who doesn't truly understand me. I just want to sit in peace and watch the snow fall and think about my brothers having snowball fights in the field at home... or about how we all used to sit on the love seat near the wood stove at home and just talk or read, enjoying the heat that chased away the chill... or about snuggling close to a guy I care deeply about (in one way or another) under a big, warm quilt and listening to the rain fall outside the window while we talk. I miss such things so much... because, to me, they are some of the best things life has to offer, even if they are terribly simple. I miss physical closeness... just holding another person's hand or being able to place my ear to a chest within which a heart beats soothingly. So much peace and comfort can be derived from just being near another human being who wants to be there too and understands a need for closeness.

I miss my brothers. Especially my baby brother. I just want to hug him and take a drive with him and talk for hours with him. I want him to know I'm there and that he can tell me anything and that no matter what, it will always be alright in the end. I want to tell him how much I love him and how thankful I am that he's in my life and how much more beauty there is in the world because he's here.

I want to get in my car and drive with my favorite music blasting full volume to guarantee that I lose my hearing at a young age. I want to drive until I reach the point where the Pacific Ocean touches the beautiful black beaches of Washington. Then I'd sit and watch and listen and smell and be happy.

Long night. What can I say....

Have to leave soon. Wonder if it's still snowing.... I hope so.

Peace.

I Don't See What Anyone Can See in Anyone Else.... But You

2008-01-29T21:38:00.000-06:00

I will never understand what it is that gives me such joy to be a part of the gay and lesbian community. I suppose it is the acceptance I have received... and the only way I have gained this is by being accepting myself. So many times, I look at my life and become frantic as I scramble for some sort of meaning to anchor me to my place. It's as if there's no hope for anything that could ever give me peace. I feel as if I have no purpose, like my goals are pointless, that nothing I could ever do will matter in any way. In these times, it is always my wonderful friends who remind me of why, in my opinion, I am here. They instill in me a sense of pride and hope for a better tomorrow. They face adversity every day of their lives for simply being who they are, yet they still thrive. They find direction... they find inspiration... they find happiness... they find each other. And I feel that because I have found them and CONTINUE to find them, I will always have a home to come back to. I will always have a community to call my own. I will always have people to lean on and people who trust me enough to lean on me and need me at times. Even if this is all I ever accomplish in my life, I still feel it will have been important and worthwhile.

Many refer to girls like me as Fag Hags. I don't mind this name and I shoulder the title's implications with honor. I don't consider it a burden. However, I honestly don't know what it is that draws these men to me.... or what it is that makes me unable to pull any men of the heterosexual persuasion my way. It gets lonely, being surrounded by men that you know you could fall in love with but will never be able to have... so there's no point. It gets frustrating, looking at particular individuals and having to force the sudden, unwanted and completely unwise attraction deep into the darkest parts of the mind, slam the door shut, lock it, and throw away the key. You do it long enough, though, and it becomes a necessary process that, for the most part, desensitizes one to the emotional responses generally associated with such things. The empty feeling created by loneliness never goes away. It just gets easier to ignore and only presents itself on rare occasions. I would never trade who I am. It means too much to me that I am what I am to these young men and to this community. The pros always seem to outweigh the cons in the end.

So much on my mind the past week or so. So many thoughts I am trying to organize. Plans I am trying to make. People I am dying to learn more about. This last weekend has put me in a very reflective sort of mood. I wish I could keep this sort of perspective all the time... one where I feel as though I can see more of the big picture and am willing to examine ALL thoughts, not just the ones that are the most accessible.

Anyway... that's all for now I suppose. Two posts in one day.... I think that's probably more than enough : )

Peace.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now... a song.

"Anyone Else But You" (Selected Verses) by the Moldy Peaches

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

+1

2008-01-29T19:34:00.000-06:00

For My Boys...

and then there was another
not fully expected but perhaps hoped for and always welcomed

sitting there
looking beautiful
and exuding all of those things that we perceive without fail but can never define
that make you recognizable as who you are

first at the table in that awkward restaurant
crowded by noisy and excited people that would never think to guess
the secret hiding behind those eyes that betray a certain wisdom beyond your years

then in the floor on a drunken friday night
surrounded by friendly and playful people who put you at ease and don't have to guess
because family is family and we know our own

then in my lap the morning after
arm around my neck as you curl close and make me feel both safe and needed
just as i've known my baby brother to do on so many occasions

my ear resting over your heart
the strength of its rhythm assures me that you are alive and well
unlike so many i have known before you
you need no direction for you found yourself long ago

pride and hope and perhaps even faith are momentarily restored
a new perspective gained from an inspirational addition to a life that often feels so lacking

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a meager attempt at putting into words what it is that I feel concerning the men in my life, most of which happen to be gay, when they first come into my life. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully express in words the role these individuals have played and continue to play in my life, but I sometimes feel the need to try. While the above refers mostly to a specific person, places, and events, I also feel it can be viewed loosely as a metaphor for the experiences I've had with almost every gay man that has become an important fixture in my life... with the exception of lines 17-19, which are what make this newest individual particularly unique in my mind. I truly admire his strong sense of self. Not that I've ever minded helping and being there for the people in my life... in fact, I'm glad I can serve a purpose. However, it's refreshing to meet a guy who doesn't need to be rescued from himself.

New Blog

2008-01-23T14:40:00.000-06:00

Xanga is apparently dead, but I miss putting my thoughts out into a community on a semi-regular basis. I've been reading some blogs recently and I really like the layouts of these sites. I really want to give blogging another shot.

These days, I have a lot on my mind. I'll just have to wait and see what it is that I want to say. Don't have much time to spare at the moment, though.

So, until next time... peace.